Mar 19, 2010

I wrote something about arguments and relationships a couple days ago. The piece was about how most arguments in any given relationship are unnecessary and stem from a place of fear usually. Again, I believe that fear is the opposite of love - so the fact that most blow ups in relationships come from the opposite of love - proves how unnecessary they are. In that post I mentioned my goal for a relationship, being with someone who understands how unnecessary the majority of relationship related arguments are. The thing is, even if I find this person right now - they'd have to wait for me. Why? Well...

Now the thing about being single, after having been in a committed relationship for a long time is finding yourself again. The problem with some relationships is that people change who they truly are in order to fit into some vision they have of the couple. Someone wants to change someone else and voilá - in doing so they change who they are. On June 10, 2008 the person I'd been for a long time ceased to exist. I wanted to find the old me.

I stopped being the spiritual person I am for a while. I stopped dancing. I stopped sharing myself with the world in the selfless ways that made me feel whole and connected to the universe. I stopped being me.

On 6/10 I set out on a goal to find her. And boy did I. I LOVE that girl. I couldn't believe she'd been gone for so long. Sure, there were glimpses of her here and there, but effectively she was gone. Now that I've found her, for the most part, I don't ever want to let her go again. I don't ever want the connection I have to the universe to be severed, ever again.

Imagine the following. For years you can hear the most beautiful music emanating from the souls of the people around you. For years you can walk through the city streets and find miracles on every corner. For years you can see the most vibrant colors and then one day, everything is grayscale, the music is silenced, and miracles cease.

Finding miracles, hearing the music, and seeing the amazing colors of life is better when you have someone to share your miracles with, someone who can hear the music with you, and someone who can appreciate the colors that you see. Watching a sunset alone isn't the same as sharing it with someone - and remembering the shared experience. It will take a very, very special person to share my life with. And while I adore being single, and listening to the music of the universe again... I'd be lying if I said that sharing the experience with someone who understands isn't better than going it alone. Having a co-conspirator in the game of life is always the goal.

But right now, I'm enjoying the reintegration of my spirit and myself too much to muck it up with a relationship. Granted, things happen and sometimes you don't have a say in the matters of the heart. Sometimes your subconscious has a different plan for you than you realize. The soul knows better than the mind - always. So sometimes you don't have a say in the matter... opportunities arise that you were blissfully unaware of.. or worse that scare the shit out of you because they weren't in your master plan.

Right now, I'm happy loving myself, and some day I'll share that love with someone else. Whether that's in a year or two or a week or two depends on my soul's plan. But this post pretty much delineates my brain's plan.

No comments: