Fear

Fear is something I try not to subscribe to. Fear is a ridiculous emotion that is usually based on nothing. Last night someone asked me to do something. As an artist, a challenge is always welcome. The thing is, I was running on about an hour of sleep. I'd had a few cocktails, and what sounded like a fantastic idea - now in the morning is giving me nothing but panic attacks. Seriously, my palms are sweating, my heart is pumping erratically, my brain won't stop.

My artwork is very personal to me. The only commissioned work I've ever accepted involves me having full creative control and no one giving me any type of goal. I've gotten color choices and thematic ideas. "I need a piece for my living room, my accent colors are teal and brown, I like trees and the beach. Go." I can deal with that.

My style is fairly whimsical - though I hate that word. I inject magic into my art in the form of sigils. Most of which are so hard to find within the artwork that no one would ever know. I paint from inside out, which is why even the saddest art I've done - is happy by most standards. Because I inject magic into all of my work - using the themes of nature or abstract and extremely colorful and vibrant are a must to me. I don't work dark magic. Everything I do comes from a place of love. Unless it's from a place of mischief.

I was asked to do a dark piece. While I make some extremely sardonic comments, and can appreciate extremely dark film, music, and artwork - it's not something that comes from inside me. Darkness is something I seek outside of myself. I wrote a poem once about being "The Light". As someone who is "Light," I have no choice but to seek darkness. Darkness comes from the outside because the only thing inside of me is light. Being asked to conjure darkness from internally and show it to someone else scares me to the point of paralyzation. Not to mention, it's an almost impossible feat.

The reason I have no idea what to do in this situation - the reason I'm sitting here writing this missive - is fear. I'm incredibly flattered by the idea that someone thinks enough of me as a person and an artist to request my work. However, I have no idea how to start or even if I can. I imagine this project has a deadline - which is scarier than anything. But the scariest part is knowing that if I do it - I could disappoint one of the few people in my life that I'd never want to disappoint - however the same can be said about not doing it.

Help.