May 13, 2010


Sometimes I can sit down and meditate for 12 seconds and suddenly my hearing is amplified by trillions and I can hear everything. I can hear the trees breathing and sighing. I can hear the birds chirping and understand what the tweets are. I can hear everything. If I get to 30 seconds I can see it all too.

Lately, and I don't know if it's because I'm sick, or something more nefarious but I can't get there. I once heard that meditation is next to impossible when you are falling in love. I guess your brain and soul are preoccupied with the "falling" part and the "in love" part. Because everything is preoccupied complete focus and control is impossible or near next to. But the thing is, I'm not falling in love, at least not that I'm aware internally. Maybe I am, I mean it is possible. The thing is sometimes I feel like I am. Sometimes, due to nothing I can explain, tiny cocktail daggers stab me in the chest. Sometimes they are coated in sweetness, like someone ate a cherry off of one before launching it. Sometimes they are covered in salt and they sting, Olives may have been the snack. Either way when I feel this ping in my chest I shake it off. I see who I'm with and where I am and realize that my heart is having a really bad idea. Why? Because as amazing as it could be, it's scary and confusing. As much as my soul knows it's right, my brain thinks differently. I can only imagine the depths of the awkward. I made this decision months ago. I consciously decided that even daydreaming about things being different was stupid. I let it go. However every now and then it crawls right back in, and as much as I shake it off it's there. I really don't know what that means. But as for falling? I fell, and I've been crawling out of the hole for months now. I'm no longer falling, so why is it still so impossible to meditate?

So here I am in this confusion, and because of it meditation is impossible. Getting closer to the Universe is increasingly difficult. Opening my soul to the ether is not inconceivable, but it is laborious. Normally it takes 12 seconds. Lately it's been taking 30 minutes.

Anyone got a rope?

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