more Stalkers.

What in the world is it about people like me? Look, I get it. I'm interesting. I have tattoos, and piercings (though not many of those). I have Emmy awards, and can make a model of an atom out of 62 folded sheets of paper, I can knit and sew, I can sing, and dance, and paint, and I'm effing awesome. Sure, I'm funny, and smart, and people like me. If you haven't noticed I'm also full of myself. Now take all the amazing that is me and realize this.

I don't like you.

Well, let me rephrase. I love people but at the same time I don't really like people... note though, when I say people I don't mean humanity - humanity I love. I don't mean my friends, if I put you in that circle of people I actually call friends, then I probably love you. But, here's the trick to knowing whether I call you a friend or not... and whether I call you one or whether you assume you are one are completely different animals. If I call you a friend, you'll hear me call your name more than once. I probably have a nickname or multiple nicknames for you. If I love you, I'll act like a complete ass in front of you and probably apologize for it at some point. If you have ever heard the following phrases come out of my mouth, you fall into that category:

"I love you."
"I'm so sorry."
"What do I do to make people want to stalk me?"

Also, if I have done any of the following things, you also fall into that category:

Given you a gift on NO occasion.
Spoken to you frankly about something going on in your life or mine - something you probably wouldn't talk about with someone on the street.
Said something to you and then later clarified, not because it was in my best interest to do so, but because I didn't want you to worry.
Made something for you.

Now, these aren't hard and fast rules. And who am I to say that you, if you fall into one of the aforementioned categories of things I've said or done, consider me YOUR friend. But here's the question:

"WHY DO PEOPLE STALK ME?"

Why does some woman I've met once follow me to multiple places on any given Tuesday?
Why does some random co-worker (and this has happened more than once) think I'm ever going to date them, or do ANYTHING with them - ever?
Why do random people follow me around like I'm their alpha?
And why, why for all that's holy, do people think that I'm into them?

Here's a secret. For me to be into you, you have to be special. For me to be into you you have to have a personality that isn't needy, socially awkward, or grating. You can be okay with hunting, but not necessarily a gun owner. You can't just show up at my house for a party, stay late, and take off all your clothes. You can't just assume that I'm single and think you're going to go home with me at the end of any given night - because truth be told, even if I DID like you, that's not my M.O.. No amount of liquor is going to change that. You HAVE to have tattoos, more than one. You have to like a book or movie I like, and without knowing that I like that book or movie in advance. We have to have a shared sense of humor. And most importantly - you can't assume that I like you because as I said at the beginning of this post, I probably don't.

I'm done with it. I'm done with being stalked, groped, and petted. I'm done with people assuming that because I'm single, I'm theirs to have and to hold. I'm done with socially awkward freaks attaching themselves to me. I'm done with people thinking that I'm their shade tree when the sun is too bright. I'm done with people thinking that I'm their umbrella when it is raining. If you fall into the category of people who I deem important enough for me to be either of those things to, you don't have to seek it out or make it happen, I'll be there for you with no question or hesitation. But if you're stalking me, step back. Please.